The worry of being too much (goldjian)

She had already been fired for being pregnant. Indeed, she was sleeping all the time. I was big, so big, taking up a lot of energy. And I was taking my time. But the official gyneco see no no no no sign of worry. 

The summer was advancing, it was hot, and humid and I was still not coming.

One day, she started to do some plumbing work as my father was not doing much of those tasks.

He was absent much of the time already.

Unclogging the sink was, perhaps, the password or the sign I was waiting for. Pshhhh. I got it and broke the little membrane, ready to make it, starting the journey, to travel to the other side.

So she had lost her water and took a taxi and arrived to the hospital

all wet.

And did not change access any other clothing for a while

She tried

And so I tried

And so she tried

pushing 

pushing

pushing me out

I was feeling the pressure

The many forms of pressures

and the pushing too

And I was pushing too

with my tiny frog legs

and my tiny frog arms

swimming in the leftovers of water

toward what seemed like a portal.

But it was taking forever

and it was becoming painful

so painful

for her

that at some point she could not anymore stand the pain.

After hours

And hours

Of labor

She was still pushing hard

I was still not showing up

And it was becoming unbearable.

So she started to shout:

“Knock me out !

if you can’t anesthetize me

then hit me on the head, really hard!”

“Yes, I keep pushing 

yes

but its been hours

and I can’t take it anymore

and I’m not sure I can hold on

and I’m losing so much of me

that this baby, 

oh I don’t know anymore, 

I can’t

I can’t take it

I can’t take it anymore”

and me, 

me i had no words by then

barely any thought

only my little frog legs

and my tiny arms

Ans my little lungs

And my little heart

trying

trying

trying hard

at full capacity

but I was so big

and it was so late

and the echo showed

that i was a bit too much already

and probably could not can’t make it

even by then

And so by now

I can try

and I’ll keep on trying

my mother had developped sore biceps

for clinging on the bed bars

trying to push me 

pushing hard

at some point

they realised,

that I had stop breathing

that I had stop beeping

My heart had stopped

no more sound

i was gone

for now

Leaving the battle

“We may save her

but the baby not

we need go to the OR, right now’

So they rushed her

in the operating room

and the last thing she knew

was that the staff had just completed an operation

and were taking off their gloves

exhausted

with a slight smile on their lips

to finally take a break,

so well deserved

and well, not.

The worry of being too much

oh she must have felt it then

but no time to think

she fainted

knocked out with anesthetic

emergency caesarean

to save her,

first and foremost

hours later

She remember

a muddy return

to this world

a white light

With pain everywhere

a gutted belly

exhausted arms

And nausea, all over

They are bringing her a baby

saying it’s hers

But how do you know ?

She started to talk to me for the first time

Searching for my eyes

And my tiny hands

“Hello little one

we don’t know each other yet

in this light

and oh my love

So

you were gone

and you made it back?

so you passed

and you caught your breath?”

It was so hard

For both of us

And here we are now

Hello”.

The only memories that resonate with me

in this story of coming into the world

is that my time of birth is hazy

that I have a sensitive throat

that I catch my breath too often

and that often, often

I’m afraid

and I worry

of being too much.